Real Romance #3 – Overcoming Intimacy Obstacles

In this sermon, Pastor Mark preaches from Song of Songs 2:8-3:5 and "Real Romance" Chapter 3 on the times when flirting becomes fighting and how couples can fight FOR their marriages, not WITH their spouses.



Overcoming Intimacy Obstacles: Song of Songs 2:8-3:5 (Real Romance Ch 3 Skipped 2)

Sonoma Visit

-Marriage = Vineyard

-Little Foxes = Issues

Our “Little Foxes”

Mark early; Grace late.                                   Mark big potato chips; Grace  smaller crumbs.

Mark introvert; Grace extrovert.                     Mark likes football; Grace really dislikes football.

Mark organized; Grace more random.           Mark pessimist; Grace optimist.

Mark impatient; Grace patient.                       Mark driving windows down; Grace does not.

Mark not nervous public speaking; Grace is. Mark writing sex book fun; Grace…not so much.

·         First days – best behavior, dressed up, breath mint, drive nice, chew food, 0 farts

·         Over time – irritated – not God’s laws but our rules

US: Dishwasher?      Guy TV?         Add to dinner?          Toilet seat up/down? ??YOU??


Song of Songs 2:8-13 [She] Listen! My beloved! Look! Here he comes, leaping across the mountains, bounding over the hills. My beloved is like a gazelle or a young stag. Look! There he stands behind our wall, gazing through the windows, peering through the lattice. My beloved spoke and said to me, [He] “Arise, my darling, my beautiful one, come with me. See! The winter is past; the rains are over and gone. Flowers appear on the earth; the season of singing has come, the cooing of doves is heard in our land. The fig tree forms its early fruit; the blossoming vines spread their fragrance. Arise, come, my darling; my beautiful one, come with me.”

1. Anticipation = planning @ parents house, peering out window, excited for their date

2. Ministry of Presence – being together Jesus & Holy Spirit (“Living Alone Apart”)

3. Nicknames =           Cursing/Blessing;        Reap/Sow

  • She says” “young stag/stud”
  • He says, “my darling, my beautiful one” 2:14 “dove” – peace, faithful mate lifetime, HS


-Seasons of Marriage – dating, engaged, new married, kids, work, health, move, empty nest

-Seasons in Marriage– Winter (cold); Spring (warm up); Summer (hot); Fall (cooling down)

From Flirting (spring) to Fighting (winter)

Song of Songs 2:14-15 [He] My dove in the clefts of the rock, in the hiding places on the mountainside, show me your face, let me hear your voice; for your voice is sweet, and your face is lovely. Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyards, our vineyards that are in bloom.

  1. -She is Verbal, He is Visual
  2. Compliments – “your voice is sweet”, “your face is lovely” (deposits vs withdrawals)


= they go from flirt to flight quickly


  1. Differences

=spender/saver; night owl/early bird, introvert/extrovert, neatnik/messy, toilet seat up/down

  1. Priorities – (law of jealousy)
  2. Boundaries (ex, family, friends, work, technology)
  3. Disorganization (schedule, budget, household, bedtime)
  4. Past pain, or shame
  5. Technology

Little Foxes ?? When ?? 1).Day off 2). Holiday 3). Vacation 4). Covid = more time together

3 Types of Homes

  1. Random Homes
  2. Closed Homes
  3. Open Homes

=Grace and I. Early marriage. Ministry. Kids

Fight For Your Marriage, Not With Your Spouse

Song of Songs 2:16-3:4 [She] My beloved is mine and I am his; he browses among the lilies. Until the day breaks and the shadows flee, turn, my beloved, and be like a gazelle or like a young stag on the rugged hills.  All night long on my bed I looked for the one my heart loves; I looked for him but did not find him. I will get up now and go about the city, through its streets and squares; I will search for the one my heart loves. So I looked for him but did not find him. The watchmen found me as they made their rounds in the city. “Have you seen the one my heart loves?” Scarcely had I passed them when I found the one my heart loves. I held him and would not let him go till I had brought him to my mother’s house, to the room of the one who conceived me.

·         ??Unknown fox in vineyard??

·         Abbi’s guilty this time

·         Solomon “stonewalls”

·         Abbi makes first move (repenting/owning)

  • Genesis 2:24 “cleave”, “be joined”, “become united”, “stick with”, “hold fast”, or “cling to”
  • SOS 2:16 “My beloved is mine and I am his…” = mutual belonging

= Strong vs Independent

The Four Horsemen of Marriage Apocalypse

1.    Criticism – The person does not have a problem, they are the problem

2.    Contempt – Sneering, mocking, name calling, eye rolling, and volume raising.

3.    Defensiveness – Make excuses and blame shift, double down, change the subject.

4.    Stonewalling – Tune out, practice the silent treatment, leave the room, drive away. Most often it’s husband as in Song of Songs.

  • John Gottman. Predicts divorce 91% accuracy
  • “Harsh Startup”

2 ways to talk about the Little Fox  1). Heaven Down       2). Hell Up

30 Years

#1. Both sinners so be a Christian & forgive/repent

#2. Both annoying

  1. Progress not perfection
  2. You can be alone or annoyed (one day you might be alone & wish you were annoyed)
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Mark Driscoll

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