2 train tracks of life = flirt & fight
She
2:8 Listen! My beloved! Look! Here he comes, leaping across the mountains, bounding over the hills. 9 My beloved is like a gazelle or a young stag. Look! There he stands behind our wall, gazing through the windows, peering through the lattice. 10 My beloved spoke and said to me, “Arise, my darling, my beautiful one, come with me. 11 See! The winter is past; the rains are over and gone. 12 Flowers appear on the earth; the season of singing has come, the cooing of doves is heard in our land. 13 The fig tree forms its early fruit; the blossoming vines spread their fragrance. Arise, come, my darling; my beautiful one, come with me.”
He
2:14-15 My dove in the clefts of the rock, in the hiding places on the mountainside, show me your face, let me hear your voice; for your voice is sweet, and your face is lovely. Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyards, our vineyards that are in bloom.
She
2:16-17 My beloved is mine and I am his; he browses among the lilies. Until the day breaks and the shadows flee, turn, my beloved, and be like a gazelle or like a young stag on the rugged hills.
3:1-5 All night long on my bed I looked for the one my heart loves; I looked for him but did not find him. I will get up now and go about the city, through its streets and squares; I will search for the one my heart loves. So I looked for him but did not find him. The watchmen found me as they made their rounds in the city. “Have you seen the one my heart loves?” Scarcely had I passed them when I found the one my heart loves. I held him and would not let him go till I had brought him to my mother’s house, to the room of the one who conceived me. Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and by the does of the field: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.
- Men are visual, women are verbal
She
- New season/spring (marriage approaching)
- Flirty nicknames “beloved”, “young stag”
He
- Nicknames “my dove”
- Specific compliments – “your voice is sweet”, “your face is lovely”
- Foxes in vineyard – differences are both strengths & annoyances
- Differences – spender/saver, neatnick/slob, early bird/night owl, early/late
- Priorities
- Boundaries (ex, family, friends, work, technology)
- Architecting (life plan, schedule, budget)
- Seasons – health, birth, sickly parent
Big fight over a little fox
Issue not big, but the person is a big deal
John Gottman 91% divorce accuracy 4 horsemen Harsh Startup
1. Criticism – unlike a concern or a complaint, this is very personal so that the other person does not just have a problem but is the problem
2. Contempt – sneering, mocking, name calling, eye rolling, and volume raising communicate personal disgust and disdain for the other person
3. Defensiveness – rather than repenting of how we are treating the other person we make excuses, blame shift so it’s their fault, all to double down on the fight, or seek to change the subject if we sense we are losing the battle
4. Stonewalling – we tune out, practice the silent treatment, leave room, and disengage so that what was a war now becomes a cold war and nearly all of the time it is the husband who chooses this lonely path of ignoring one another
Discussion Question:
In a private conversation with your phones off looking at one another,with a lot of love and grace, have a healthy conversation about how to get rid of the most frustrating foxes in your vineyard.
