Father Wound

Five Kinds of Fathers

Mark 11:25 – And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.

Deuteronomy 6:6-9 – And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.

Everyone is marked, positively or negatively, by their earthly father. Although everyone’s family experience is unique, we have identified five general categories of fathers.

Tragic dad—this father isn’t in the picture for some tragic reason (i.e., death, permanent debilitating medical problem).
Terrible dad—this father is absent for no good reason (i.e., runs off either before or after kids are born, shows little to no interest in being a parent).
Tough dad—this father is overbearing, dominating, and intimidating (i.e., threatens like a drill sergeant, pushes like a bad boss, or yells like an awful coach). The tough dad abuses his family.
Tender dad—this father is kind, sweet, and nice but fails to protect his family (i.e., gets run over by tough guys, allows his kids to get bullied and pushed around, and watches his daughter end up with an abusive boyfriend because he won’t step in the middle). This family is often financially broke because strong guys beat weak dad in business. The tender dad lets other people abuse his family.
Terrific dad—this dad isn’t perfect, but he is godly, relational, wise, healthy, present, and knows how to be both tough for the family and tender with the family (i.e., their dad provided for all of the family’s needs). Financially, he makes good money. Spiritually, he leads in the worship of God. Relationally, he is encouraging, warm, and connected. Socially, he nurtures healthy relationships with other families to provide community for his family. Humbly he owns his mistakes and apologizes when he is wrong.

How about you? What kind of father do you have? If you are a father, what kind of dad are you?

To order the new book from Pastor Mark & Grace Driscoll “Win Your War”, visit: https://amzn.to/2YuhoDn.

For the entire eight-week “Win Your War” sermon series from Pastor Mark, visit www.markdriscoll.org or the Mark Driscoll Ministries app.

Fighting Dad

Romans 8:15–16 – For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!” The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God…

Psalm 103:13 – As a father shows compassion to his children, so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him.

A mixed martial arts fighter named Jens Pulver became a Christian later in life and wrote an autobiography.  The 5-foot, 7-inch lightweight known as “Lil’ Evil” was a lefty who fought his way through the inaugural Ultimate Fighting Championship to win his weight class.

This brutal fighter had grown up under the worst of circumstances, including an incident where his dad put a gun in seven-year-old Jens’ mouth but then pulled it away, saying “You aren’t worth the bullets.”

Pulver was fighting his dad every time he climbed in the ring.

Pulver says, “When I was 15 I made myself a promise. My dad had just beaten me and my mom, and we were huddled in the bathroom, crying. It was a horrible situation. But I made myself a promise—one day I’m going to get so famous that I’m going to tell everybody about him. I’m going to get so famous that they are going to listen. It took me 20 years, but it kept me out there chasing the dream until I became a world champion.”

Pulver was fighting his dad every time he climbed in the ring. He had a father wound. The father wound is an unhealed hurt from a physical or spiritual father or father figure in our lives.

Fathers fail us, and unless we forgive them and invite God the Father to heal our father wound, we remain burdened instead of unburdened, broken instead of healed, and made bitter instead of made better. It leaves people open to the demonic through hurt and bitterness.

To order the new book from Pastor Mark & Grace Driscoll “Win Your War”, visit: https://amzn.to/2YuhoDn.

For the entire eight-week “Win Your War” sermon series from Pastor Mark, visit www.markdriscoll.org or the Mark Driscoll Ministries app.

Win Your War #6 – Heal from Wounds In the Past and Fears for the Future

Do you need to heal from wounds in your past before you can look forward to the future with hope and not fear? In this practical sermon from the Win Your War series, Pastor Mark describes how the way you relate to your earthly father can affect the way you see your heavenly father and how to move forward into your future with freedom, not fear.

The Father Wound

Many of the issues in today’s society boils down to a projection or a rejection of a person’s earthly father (or lack thereof). With the coming of Jesus, He altered human history and opened a new, unprecedented, unparalleled understanding of God as Father. When you know who you are in relation to God as Father, it changes you entire life and everything that you do.

Galatians #8 – Law-Based vs. Grace-Based Relationships

There are basically two kinds of relationships Christians have. One is law-based. Someone has fears that compel them to control other people and circumstances through making demands. The other is grace-based. The two people trust the Holy Spirit to work in and through each of them, focus on their unity around Jesus Christ, and give grace in secondary matters where they disagree.

Galatians #7 – God as Father vs. God as Master

When it comes to your relationship with God, do you see Him as a master or a Father and do you see yourself as a slave or a son? How you answer this question dictates how you view your earthly relationships, especially that with your earthly father. Whether you’ve had a good or a bad early dad, God wants us to see Him as kind father who wants a relationship with his kids.

The Father Wound & Church Crisis

John 14:6b “No one comes to the Father except through me [Jesus].”

We have a generation of sons with father wounds preaching a Son-centered theology with nary a reference to the Father, leading mono-generational churches as brothers rather than fathers, lacking spiritual moms and dads, attracting people who bring their own family wounds and who want the church to be family minus the presence of any kind of fatherly leadership.

Leaders with Father Wounds also love dead mentors–Calvin, Luther, Spurgeon, etc.–because they long for a father and family but don’t want a living spiritual father who can correct them. So, some pick dead guys as their dads and worship a view of God that is a lot like the dad who abandoned them–living far away (sovereign), non-relational, and sometimes mean but never to be crossed. Others overreact and decide to worship God as Mother.

Bringing healing to this issue might just be the key for an entire generation of Christians. Healing will only happen when sons and daughters can forgive failed fathers. Add to that an openhearted anticipation of the good things that can happen when we choose to become good sons and daughters rather than simply demanding that others be perfect parents, whether biological or spiritual. Healing also requires the participation of godly older leaders who understand the unique needs of this generation. Many weren’t parented, leaving gaps in their life learning. And the biggest thing they can give hurting younger men and women is relentlessly patient love. Yet—if elders force this approach on the next generation, more damage will inevitably ensue as the intervention is interpreted as abusive spiritual parenting. Younger brothers and sisters need space to invite spiritual fathering and mothering if and when they are ready to heal.

I believe the greater Church in the West is on the brink of a third turning. The boomer generation wanted to take the church from their parents and make it more practical and accessible. The X generation wanted to plant their own church to set up their own family due to their father wound and unwillingness to have older spiritual fathers in their midst. The Millennial generation is most concerned about marriage and parenting according to national research. They do not want to take the church away from older people or leave the church to form a church with younger people, but rather have an intergenerational church with younger people who they can mentor, and older people who can mentor them. This could lead to a strengthening of struggling churches and allow the Church of Jesus Christ to fill the needs left by divorce and broken homes where generations no longer do life together. I believe that this insight might be a crucial key for the next season of church life. If so I believe that more than ever older generations have an opportunity to be live giving sources for emerging leaders who have a hunger where my generation had a hurt.

As I’ve shared these observations with young leaders, reactions have been intense. The conversation often tears open old wounds. Some people become enraged and rail against dangerous fathers. Others weep from the raw pain of a father wound that has never healed. Some just sit in silence like I’d shot them in the soul. Whenever deep feelings erupt, I realize again the massive depth and breadth of this issue. The healing begins when we realize that Jesus’ ministry is to bring us to the Father. Jesus forgives our sins. The Father heals our wounds starting with wounds from earthly fathers.

Does anything in this devotional hit home for you? Why?
For some people, their view of the Heavenly Father is merely a projection of their earthly father. In sum, God is just a big version of their dad.

For other people, their view of the Heavenly Father is a rejection of their earthly father. If they did not like their dad, then God is the exact opposite of their dad. Here are six examples of what I am trying to explain:

Atheism – I have no Father.
Agnosticism – I may have a Father somewhere but I don’t know Him, have never met Him, and am not interested in starting a relationship.
Deism – I have a Father but he abandoned me a long time ago and is no longer involved in my life.
Reformed – I have a Father who can be cruel, domineering, and overbearing, but He’s definitely in charge.
Arminian – I have a Father who is permissive and lets me do pretty much whatever I want to do.
Liberal/Progressive – I have a very cool, tolerant, enabling Father who does not judge me but lets me do what I want and will smoke weed and drink beer with me.
The only hope is Jesus, since He gets us to the real Father who can heal our father wounds. This is what Jesus was getting at, saying in John 14:6b,“No one comes to the Father except through me.” The point and purpose of Jesus’ ministry is to get us into a relationship with God the Father that never ever ends.

How about you? How is your view of God the Father a projection or rejection of your earthly father?

Your View of God is a Projection or Rejection of Your Father

After a few decades as a Senior Pastor, I have found that understanding someone’s relationship with their earthly father helps me understand their view of God the Father.

For some people, their view of the Heavenly Father is merely a projection of their earthly father. In sum, God is just a big version of their dad.

For other people, their view of the Heavenly Father is a rejection of their earthly father. If they did not like their dad, then God is the exact opposite of their dad. Here are six examples of what I am trying to explain:

Atheism – I have no Father.
Agnosticism – I may have a Father somewhere but I don’t know Him, have never met Him, and am not interested in starting a relationship.
Deism – I have a Father but he abandoned me a long time ago and is no longer involved in my life.
Reformed – I have a Father who can be cruel, domineering, and overbearing, but He’s definitely in charge.
Arminian – I have a Father who is permissive and lets me do pretty much whatever I want to do.
Liberal/Progressive – I have a very cool, tolerant, enabling Father who does not judge me but lets me do what I want and will smoke weed and drink beer with me.
The only hope is Jesus, since He gets us to the real Father who can heal our father wounds. This is what Jesus was getting at, saying in John 14:6b,“No one comes to the Father except through me.” The point and purpose of Jesus’ ministry is to get us into a relationship with God the Father that never ever ends.

How about you? How is your view of God the Father a projection or rejection of your earthly father?

The Father Wound

I’ve been a fan of mixed martial arts for a few decades and will never forget one epic moment I witnessed. A 5-foot 7-inch lightweight known as “Lil’ Evil” was a lefty who fought all the way through the inaugural Ultimate Fighting Championship to win his class. He also became a Christian later in life and wrote an autobiography, in which he tells this story. Officials rushed up to wrap him in the winner’s belt. Someone stuck a microphone in his face and said, “You just won! How do you feel?”.

This brutal fighter had grown up under the worst of circumstances, including an incident where his dad put a gun in seven-year-old Jen’s mouth before pulling away because his son wasn’t worth a bullet. As Pulver was being cheered as champion, he broke down crying on national television. “See, dad?”, he shouted through tears, “I did amount to something!”.

Pulver was fighting his dad every time he climbed into the ring. He expended his whole life raging against his old man. Like many men, including many men who follow my Bible teaching, he had a Father wound.

There are six basic kinds of fathers, and the first four can contribute to a father wound:

6 Kinds Fathers

Tragic – you have no dad for some tragic reason like death
Terrible – you have no dad for a terrible reason like abandonment or imprisonment
Tough – you have a bad dad who was a domineering and overbearing bully
Tender – you have a dad who was a coward that hated conflict and responsibility, which left you in harm’s way
Tolerable – you have a decent dad who did alright but not awesome
Terrific – you have a godly, wise, healthy, present, and invested loving dad
If you harbor any bitterness toward your dad, you can be infecting a Father Wound. This will damage your ability to see and savor God as Father. How can you be healed and made healthy? By forgiving your earthly father and getting to know your Heavenly Father. Jesus’ entire ministry was for this very purpose. Jesus says in John 14:6b, “No one comes to the Father except through me.

Many Christians, especially young men, have been forgiven by Jesus but have not been healed up by getting to know God the Father. The best place to start is in prayer as Jesus taught in Matthew 6:9, “Pray then like this: “Our Father…”

How is your relationship with God the Father?

If You Get the Men You Win the War. If You Lose the Men You Lose the War.

We are all familiar with the power of a grand finale. At the end of a concert, the band saves the best for last. When watching a firework display on a holiday, you need to make sure to stick around for the end. The final words of the Old Testament are these:

Malachi 4:4-6: “Remember the law of my servant Moses, the statutes and rules that I commanded him at Horeb for all Israel. ‘Behold, I will send you Elijah the prophet before the great and awesome day of the LORD comes. And he will turn the hearts of fathers to their children and the hearts of children to their fathers, lest I come and strike the land with a decree of utter destruction.’”

God is here summarizing the Old Testament and getting the last word. The principle is key – don’t fret about all the shenanigans on the planet as one day God will get the last word. God reminds us that Moses brought us the Law to reveal God’s holiness, our sinfulness, and our need for a Savior to meet the demands of the Law for us. God also reminds us that the prophets, like Elijah, remind us of God’s Law and call us to turn from and trust in our Savior.

The next major event in human history from this moment was the coming of John the Baptizer. He would be anointed and filled with the same Holy Spirit as Elijah from His mother’s tummy and would come to do heart surgery on men (2 Kings 2:9-10; Luke 1:15-17; Matthew 11:13-14; John 1:21).

God is saying that there are two kinds of people – those who are cursed and those who are blessed.

How do we know that a people group is cursed? The fathers do not have a heart for their children and, as a result, the children do not have a heart for their fathers. Practically, this looks like men who love sex but not God, marriage, or children. So, they worship sex as their god, use and abuse women, and murder their children. If their children live, they live without their father involved or invested in their life. This is what Jesus told some men in John 8:44: “You are of your father the devil, and your will is to do your father’s desires. He was a murderer from the beginning…”  The old adage is true – like father like son and the devil’s boys look like their dad. Make no mistake, many, if not most, of our social problems would be solved by dads living, loving, and leading with the Father heart of God.

How do we know that a people group is blessed? The fathers have met God the Father, received a new heart that is the Father heart of God, and love their children like their Father loves them. This is the miracle that God does in the hearts of men. As men learn to become sons of the Father, they learn to father others starting with their own children.

If you get the men, you win the war. If you lose the men, you lose the war. 

God ends the Old Testament with men, because change starts with men. God starts with men’s hearts because the ‘want to’ precedes the ‘how to’. Only when a man ‘wants to’ can that man apply the principles of ‘how to’ live, love, and lead like his Father.

The next stage of human history is now set. God does not inspire the writing of another book of the Bible and for 400 years, people wait for the Father to send the Son. Jesus Christ is the Son of God and revelation of the Father heart of God. Jesus turns our hearts toward the Father and gives men new hearts to love the Father and live in love like the Father. When this happens, the Kingdom of God begins to overtake the death of this world starting with blessing at home, flowing out to the church, and from there out to transform the culture that is cursed.

1 John #6 – Children of God

At The Trinity Church in Scottsdale, Pastor Mark Driscoll recently taught a Bible study series to the core launch team entitled “1 John: The Father Heart of God.” Recorded in black and white as the church plant was in its infancy.