As the father of a daughter in college, I have entered into that season of life where young single women ask me a lot of dad-esque questions. Many of those questions revolve around guys they are interested in. The following five questions are one’s that I end up asking repeatedly in these discussions.
1) Do you want to join the kind of life he has?
You and your husband will have one life together which you will help create (Gen. 2:18; 1 Cor. 11:9). So, if you don’t like the life he wants to build then you are not a good fit to be together. If he wants a career in sales or the military, where he is gone much or most of the time, and you are not okay with that, then he needs another career or you need another man to marry. Any woman who marries a man hoping to fix him, change him, or redirect his life course is with the wrong man. If she likes who he is and where he is going and wants to be a good life partner helping him to be and do what God has for them, then she may have found a man she is suited for.
2) Is he tough enough to remain strong in tough times?
I am talking about a man who is tender with you, but tough for you. If you marry him and have children, will he be the kind of steady rock the family needs when times are tough? If hard economic times come, will he, for example, work two jobs to care for his family? If you have a hard pregnancy and find yourself bedridden, will he step up to do what is needed to care for his family? Too many men wilt under pressure or cave under crisis, and if you marry a man and entrust yourself and your children to him, you need to be certain that he will be there to lovingly lead the family in God’s purposes, no matter what.
3) Is he lovingly considerate and gentle with you?
Any man who does not consult with you, make decisions with you, ask what you think, and inquire how you feel is a selfish and inconsiderate man (1 Peter 3:7). Furthermore, any man who is harsh or in any way abusive (verbally, emotionally, spiritually, sexually, physically), will only get worse once you are married. Do not kid yourself—when you are dating a man, he is on his best behavior, and if he is inconsiderate or harsh with you then, any future with him will be very painful.
4) Will he be a good father?
A man might look at you as more than just a baby machine, but does he love children? Does he consider children a blessing, as Scripture says (Ps. 127:3-5)? Does he want to be a good dad (Eph. 6:4)? The only way a man can be a good father is by being unselfish. If he is into his buddies, his hobbies, his activities, and the like, he will be a terrible father. Why? Because once a man decides to walk with Jesus as a faithful church member, to love his wife as Christ loves the church, to raise his kids as pastor-dad, and to work his job wholeheartedly unto the Lord, he will have little time for much of anything else. Yet he will be happy if the deepest desires of his heart are the things that are taking his time and energy. If you want to be a mom who stays home with the children for example, then you must have a man who will be a great daddy and longs for that role. Further, since your daughters will marry men like their daddy, and your sons will grow up to be men like their daddy, make sure to marry a man whom you want imitated for generations.
5) Is he a one-woman man?
Church leaders are to set the pattern as one-woman men for all God’s men (1 Tim. 3:2). Therefore, he should not be the porn guy, the flirt guy, the has- lots-of-female-friends-he-calls-buddies guy, the cheats-on-you-when- you-are-dating guy, the dates-multiple-women-at-a-time guy, or the compares-you-to-other-women guy. If he is to be your husband, his heart, hands, mind, eyes, wallet, and life need to be solely devoted to you. If you have to keep trying to make him faithful or if you question his loyalty, he is not ready to be a good husband.
For the single women, you need to not turn biblical wisdom for decision-making into a legal case by which to try every woman you meet. Everyone, including you, has faults, flaws, and is a work in progress. However, because who we marry is the second most important decision we ever make (following who our God is), we must be prayerful, careful, and biblical in our decision. And, inviting in godly older people with wisdom to help us make this decision is also crucial.