How to Leave and Cleave: What is Cut Off?

When should you cut off drama-filled family? Tune in and learn how to set healthy boundaries (before it's too late!).




How to leave & cleave 3: Cutoff

QR Code Workbook – Process – Wonderful Counselor v Quick Fix – Date??

Final Service – tender/broken – ME #1. Anxious presence 2. Maturity ceiling

Genesis 2:24-25 (KJV cf. Matthew 19:4-6; Mark 10:5-9; Ephesians 5:31) – Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.

Leave & Cleave Options chart (pg 7) 

Wise, Foolish, Evil  (Consider Character)

Proverbs 24:1-3, 5-7 Be not envious of evil men, nor desire to be with them, for their hearts devise violence, and their lips talk of trouble…A wise man is full of strength, and a man of knowledge enhances his might, for by wise guidance you can wage your war, and in abundance of counselors there is victory. Wisdom is too high for a fool; in the gate he does not open his mouth.

  • We are all foolish in some area or at some point 

1.    Wise – Spirit PERSONAL (close friendship) = John

2.    Foolish – flesh PASTORAL- (homework, boundaries, coseq) = Peter 

3.    Evil – demonic & dangerous PROFESSIONAL (cutoff)– Judas 

  1. You are cut off 
  2. You cut person/group people off 

-Physical         -Emotional       -Financial        -Relational       -Spiritual  -Technological 

Ireland (famine nodal)             -NY (unwelcome)        -ND (oppt)       -WA (reset)      -AZ (called)

Abraham and Sarah’s Cutoff

Joshua 24:2 “Joshua said …‘Thus says the Lord, the God of Israel, “Long ago, your fathers lived beyond the Euphrates, Terah, the father of Abraham…and they served other gods.”’” 

Genesis 12:1-3 “Now the Lord said to Abram, ‘Go from your country and your kindred and your father’s house to the land that I will show you. And I will make of you a great nation, and I will bless you and make your name great, so that you will be a blessing. I will bless those who bless you, and him who dishonors you I will curse, and in you all the families of the earth shall be blessed.’”

  1. Abraham is honored 300X in Bible for “cutoff” 
  2. For good to start, bad must end 
  3. You cannot allow the least healthy person to determine your family system
  4. Your family culture is what you teach & tolerate 
  5. Kids safety must always be the priority 

Jacob, Leah, and Rachel’s cutoff (Genesis 31)

1.    Abraham’s grandkids (3rd generation) 

2.    Jacob & Esau twin boys. Mom Rebekah favored Jacob. Dad Isaac favored Esau 

3.    Jacob “trickster” stole birthright/blessing from brother w/moms help

4.    Ran for his life to uncle Laban’s (EVIL) – 2 daughters Rachel & Leah 

5.    Works 7 years to marry Rachel

6.    Girls triangle w/dad, trick Jacob on wedding night 

7.    Works 7 more years to finally get Rachel 

8.    Family flees – followed armed militia, ??? Change back vs Cutoff (Grandpa Laban)

When to Walk Away by Gary Thomas = toxic/evil people 

HEART: Lack empathy for others, shame for themselves 

GOAL: Control – everyone & everything (“no” & cutoff = war; engage/enrage) 

1. Domineering – overbearing, pushy, demanding, & inconsiderate. Tolerate =dominate.

2. Guilt-inducing – their life is your responsibility. 

3. Manipulation – twist facts, triangle relationships, hide truth 

4. Attack – threaten you & those you love. = ONLINE 

5. Overly needy – erase boundaries (over functioning vs under functioning) 

6. Drama – attention, create emergencies 

Religious toxic & evil people – weaponize Bible

=NOT beyond help, but beyond your help. 

-41 X 4 gospels, Jesus Christ 

1. Walked away forever – groups large/small, critics/enemies “slipped away” “sailed away”

2. Let them walk away forever – Rich Young Ruler, Judas, and a crowd thousands

CUTOFF??: Should you walk away? 

1.    Is it a red (acute: imminent danger) or yellow situation (chronic: ongoing unhealth) 

2.    ? Haste, out of bitterness, or vengeance

3.    The goal must be to honor God & safeguard you & your immediate family for health 

4.    ????21-day journey?                ????Professional counsel? 

5.    A cutoff is a nodal event (see pg 72 for specific steps to take w/spouse if married) 

Jesus & Judas 

Clarifying Conversations

Proverbs 27:6 – Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy.

Ephesians 4:29 – Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.

Reset relationship = healthier going forward (NT letters individuals & groups)  

  1. Love so much don’t differentiate well = enmeshed 
  2. Relationship moved new season 
  3. Bad boundaries (Henry Cloud) 

Jesus & Peter 

Temporary Timeout

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 – For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under

heaven:…a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a

time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;…a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;…a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; a time to love…and a time for peace.

Weeks, months, year (prevent cutoff) 

·   Enmeshed: Reset relationships 

·   Priorities: Focus on marriage, immediate family 

·   Nodal Event 

·   Major life decision to make 

·   Time to process & heal (NOT FLIGHT) 

A). Honeymoon (leave/cleave, reset priorities). B). Grace years ago.

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Mark Driscoll

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