Stop Fighting, Start Flirting

In this sermon, Pastor Mark preaches from Song of Songs 5:2-6:1 and "Real Romance" Chapter 5 on how couples can go from selfishness to serving or from fighting to flirting.



Song of Songs 5:2-6:1 (Real Romance Chapter 5)

  • Romantic Relationship = flirting & fighting (pick priority)
  • SOS 5 – records marital spat (most honest book)

=US – 1st fight 1st date 17 (who pays dinner? keys down drain) – 20 yrs later to the day!

Selfishness is the Problem

Song of Songs 5:2-8 [She] I slept but my heart was awake. Listen! My beloved is knocking: [He] “Open to me, my sister, my darling, my dove, my flawless one. My head is drenched with dew, my hair with the dampness of the night.” I have taken off my robe— must I put it on again? I have washed my feet—must I soil them again? [She] My beloved thrust his hand through the latch-opening; my heart began to pound for him. I arose to open for my beloved, and my hands dripped with myrrh, my fingers with flowing myrrh, on the handles of the bolt. I opened for my beloved, but my beloved had left; he was gone. My heart sank at his departure. I looked for him but did not find him. I called him but he did not answer. The watchmen found me as they made their rounds in the city. They beat me, they bruised me; they took away my cloak, those watchmen of the walls! Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you-if you find my beloved, what will you tell him?  Tell him I am faint with love.

He’s selfish

·         Working too late, misses dinner, she goes to bed, he comes home early am

·         He tries to pick the lock (possible double entendre)

·         He leaves w/o telling anyone

= Stonewalling

She’s selfish

·         She goes back to bed, locks the door

·         She says she can’t open the door because she’s naked, & will get feet dirty

2 Interpretive Options

  1. Goes out alone at night & is harmed
  2. Had a dream sequence – partly asleep/awake

= Rejection. She rejected. She pursues

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (NLT) #1 weddings.

= Marriage Mirror

1.     “Love is patient.” (When am I impatient with my spouse?)

2.     “Love is kind.” (When am I unkind to my spouse?)

3.     “Love is not jealous.” (In what ways am I jealous of my spouse rather than happy for their blessings?)

4.     “Love is not boastful.” (Does my spouse hear me mainly talking about myself?)

5.     “Love is not proud.” (Does my spouse experience me as a proud, unteachable person?)

6.     “Love is not rude.” (How am I rude to my spouse?)

7.     “Love does not demand its own way.” (How does my spouse find me inconsiderate?)

8.     “Love is not irritable.” (When am I grumpy and moody?)

9.     “Love keeps no record of being wronged”. (What bitterness am I holding onto and using as a weapon against my spouse?)

10.   “Love does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out.” (What unjust and untruthful things do I do and say to or about my spouse?)

11.   “Love never gives up.” (When have I given up on my spouse and our marriage?)

12.   “Love never loses faith and is always hopeful.” (What parts of my spouse and our marriage have I lost hope will ever improve?)

13.   “Love endures through every circumstance”. (In what circumstances do I use an excuse to give up and stop trying to love my spouse?)

Serving is the Solution

Song of Songs 5:9-6:1 [Friends] How is your beloved better than others, most beautiful of women? How is your beloved better than others, that you so charge us? [She] My beloved is radiant and ruddy, outstanding among ten thousand. His head is purest gold; his hair is wavy and black as a raven. His eyes are like doves by the water streams, washed in milk, mounted like jewels. His cheeks are like beds of spice yielding perfume. His lips are like lilies dripping with myrrh. His arms are rods of gold set with topaz. His body is like polished ivory decorated with lapis lazuli. His legs are pillars of marble set on bases of pure gold. His appearance is like Lebanon, choice as its cedars. His mouth is sweetness itself; he is altogether lovely. This is my beloved, this is my friend, daughters of Jerusalem. [Friends] Where has your beloved gone, most beautiful of women? Which way did your beloved turn, that we may look for him with you?

“The honeymoon’s over” – marriage is now hard work

Wise Counsel – get your counsel before your crisis


  • Selfish = child, teens, single yrs, married, married w/kids, “service industry”
  • Most divorces yr 8 (7-year itch, 9-14 yrs married unselfish) = Remarry? Repeat!


  • Serving vs Selfish – Mark 9 “who is the greatest” Mark 10:45 “served not be served”

= Love Languages Gary Thomas – 1. Words 2. Gifts 3. Service 4. Time 5. Touch.

Serving is Sexy

  1. Selfish + Selfish = a brutal marriage
  2. Selfish + Servant = an abusive marriage
  3. Servant + Servant = a beautiful marriage

How’s Your Friendship?

Song of Songs 5:16 (NLT) “my lover, my friend.”

  • 70% men & women = friendship

“Happy marriages are based on a deep friendship. By this I mean a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company. These couples tend to know each other intimately—they are well versed in each other’s likes, dis- likes, personality quirks, hopes, and dreams. They have an abiding regard for each other and express this fondness not just in the big ways but in little ways day in and day out. . . Friendship fuels the flames of romance because it offers the best protection against feeling adversarial toward your spouse.”

  1. Trinity
  2. “love your neighbor” – ministry starts @ home
  3. 84 yr study what makes life joyful????                      GOOD 2X       BAD 1/2

=Friends share 1. Loyalties 2. Stories (best days) 3. Memories 4. Resources 5. Intimacies

Grace joins on stage…

3 Kinds of Marriages

  1. Back-to-back
  2. Shoulder to shoulder
  3. Face to face
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Mark Driscoll

It's all about Jesus! Read More