Friendship

Then a servant girl saw him as he sat near the fire, and gazed at him, and said, “This man was with Him.” But he denied Him, saying, “Woman, I do not know Him.” A little later someone else saw him and said, “You also are one of them.” Peter said, “Man, I am not!” About an hour later another man firmly declared, “Certainly, this man also was with Him, for he is a Galilean.” Peter said, “Man, I do not know what you are saying.” Immediately, while he was yet speaking, the rooster crowed. The Lord turned and looked at Peter. Then Peter remembered the word of the Lord, how He had told him, “Before the rooster crows, you will deny Me three times.” And Peter went outside and wept bitterly. 

– Luke 22:56-62 MEV.

During a very difficult season of our lives when we did not know who we could trust, Grace and I started meeting with a wise and godly counselor who was part certified clinician, part Spirit-filled pastor, and part loving grandpa. In that challenging season we thank God we had such wise counsel helping us process relationships, teaching us who to walk with closely and who to run from quickly.

The Holy Spirit is also a counselor. Jesus promised in John 14:26 that “the Counselor, the Holy Spirit—the Father will send Him in My name—will teach you all things” (HCSB). Most counseling appointments with pastors and therapists are about relationships— who to trust and who not to trust, how to proceed on a path forward and how to part ways forever.

As a practical point, it seems that this discernment of the Holy Spirit is often referred to as your “gut.” Oftentimes you cannot put your finger on the exact reason why someone seems unsafe, and perhaps you feel bad even thinking ill of someone, but the Holy Spirit often works through your gut. This gut instinct of the Spirit is often God’s way of helping you have caution concerning other people.

Have you prayerfully considered your relationships? Are there any that you need to modify or end? Has the Holy Spirit been giving you a gut feeling about someone that you need to heed? Do you have any pattern of making foolish relational decisions because you have not been Spirit-led in your relationships? How is your relationship with the Holy Spirit and how can the Holy Spirit help you have wisdom and health in your other relationships?

Once you understand the relational discernment brought by the Holy Spirit, you can grow in wisdom and know how to handle foolish and evil people.

Then a servant girl saw him as he sat near the fire, and gazed at him, and said, “This man was with Him.” But he denied Him, saying, “Woman, I do not know Him.” A little later someone else saw him and said, “You also are one of them.” Peter said, “Man, I am not!” About an hour later another man firmly declared, “Certainly, this man also was with Him, for he is a Galilean.” Peter said, “Man, I do not know what you are saying.” Immediately, while he was yet speaking, the rooster crowed. The Lord turned and looked at Peter. Then Peter remembered the word of the Lord, how He had told him, “Before the rooster crows, you will deny Me three times.” And Peter went outside and wept bitterly. 

– Luke 22:56-62 MEV.

One of the most challenging things in life is learning to read people. We’ve all had people who completely surprised us.In Jesus’ life there were people constantly seeking to get closer to Him and enjoy a more intimate relationship with Him.Jesus was not paranoid, trusting no one. Neither was He naïve, trusting everyone.

Instead, Jesus was wise and discerning. His wise discernment was possible by the Holy Spirit who knew everything about everyone. For this reason, even though Judas and Peter failed, Jesus restored Peter to friendship and ministry but sent Judas away. Thanks to the Holy Spirit, Jesus knew what was in each man’s heart and knew who to walk with and who to walk away from.

The difference between Judas and Peter is the difference between covert and overt. Judas was covert. His sinful scheming and plotting were secretive, hidden, and deceptive. For the entirety of his three years with Jesus, he stole money and plotted against Jesus.

Outwardly one would never know this.he hid who he really was from everyone except Jesus who alone knew his heart. Lots of people are like Judas—they can steal money from their bosses, cheat on their spouses, use church membership solely as a means to appear pious in public, and have no heart for the Lord. Covert people are incredibly difficult to have a relationship with because you never know them, and they only use you.

Peter, however, was overt. He could not keep his mouth shut, and as a result, you always knew what he was thinking, feeling, and doing. He would boss Jesus around, grab a sword and cut someone’s ear off, and seemed utterly incapable of hiding his inner life.

Some people are like Peter. They want to get it all out, put all their cards on the table, and just tell you up front who they are, what they think, and what they are doing. Overt people can be blindsided by covert people. They simply cannot understand how someone could lie, hide, cheat, steal, and conceal who they truly are throughout life. Covert people often take advantage of overt people since overt people assume they agree unless they say otherwise and have no idea there is a problem unless something is said.

In these days He went out to the mountain to pray and continued all night in prayer to God. When it was day, He called for His disciples, and of them He chose twelve, whom He named apostles: Simon, whom He named Peter, and Andrew his brother, and James and John, and Philip and Bartholomew, and Matthew and Thomas, and James the son of Alphaeus, and Simon called the Zealot, and Judas the son of James, and Judas Iscariot, who became a traitor.

– Luke 6:12-16 MEV.

How did Jesus determine what kinds of people He would and would not have relationships with? How did Jesus pick the twelve disciples to be in close relationship with Him for three years? Luke 6:12–13 says of Jesus, “He went out to the mountain to pray, and all night he continued in prayer to God. And when day came, he called his disciples.”

Have you ever pulled an all-nighter? Perhaps for school or work? You know that something is incredibly important when you stay up all night to work on it. For Jesus, picking who would be in relationship with Him as disciples required that He spend the whole night in prayer.

You might ask why it took so long. Could they not have simply made a list and let Jesus go to bed? No, the Father, Son, and Spirit are relational and take relationships very seriously. It would not be surprising that they had some long conversations about Peter the denier, Thomas the doubter, and Judas the betrayer. Jesus spent all night talking to the Father and the Spirit about the list. You and I need to do the same. Do you invite the Lord to help you pick your closest relationships?

When looking at the disciples, we can rush to the assumption that Judas was a mistake and should not have been chosen, but he was part of God’s plan. In John 17:12 Jesus again prays to the Father saying, “While I was with them, I kept them in your name, which you have given me. I have guarded them, and not one of them has been lost except the son of destruction, that the Scripture might be fulfilled.”

Jesus was a perfect friend to Judas, and Judas betrayed Him. It just goes to show that relationships can be painful even if we did not do anything sinful.

Surveying the life of Jesus, it is insightful to see how He managed so many diverse, complex, and shifting relationships with the help of prayerful time with the Father and Spirit.

In these days He went out to the mountain to pray and continued all night in prayer to God. When it was day, He called for His disciples, and of them He chose twelve, whom He named apostles: Simon, whom He named Peter, and Andrew his brother, and James and John, and Philip and Bartholomew, and Matthew and Thomas, and James the son of Alphaeus, and Simon called the Zealot, and Judas the son of James, and Judas Iscariot, who became a traitor.

– Luke 6:12-16 MEV.

How did Jesus determine what kinds of people He would and would not have relationships with? How did Jesus pick the twelve disciples to be in close relationship with Him for three years? Luke 6:12–13 says of Jesus, “He went out to the mountain to pray, and all night he continued in prayer to God. And when day came, he called his disciples.”

Have you ever pulled an all-nighter? Perhaps for school or work? You know that something is incredibly important when you stay up all night to work on it. For Jesus, picking who would be in relationship with Him as disciples required that He spend the whole night in prayer.

You might ask why it took so long. Could they not have simply made a list and let Jesus go to bed? No, the Father, Son, and Spirit are relational and take relationships very seriously. It would not be surprising that they had some long conversations about Peter the denier, Thomas the doubter, and Judas the betrayer. Jesus spent all night talking to the Father and the Spirit about the list. You and I need to do the same. Do you invite the Lord to help you pick your closest relationships?

When looking at the disciples, we can rush to the assumption that Judas was a mistake and should not have been chosen, but he was part of God’s plan. In John 17:12 Jesus again prays to the Father saying, “While I was with them, I kept them in your name, which you have given me. I have guarded them, and not one of them has been lost except the son of destruction, that the Scripture might be fulfilled.”

Jesus was a perfect friend to Judas, and Judas betrayed Him. It just goes to show that relationships can be painful even if we did not do anything sinful.

Surveying the life of Jesus, it is insightful to see how He managed so many diverse, complex, and shifting relationships with the help of prayerful time with the Father and Spirit.

The whole city was gathered at the door, and He healed many who were sick with various diseases and cast out many demons. And He did not let the demons speak, because they knew Him. In the morning, rising up a great while before sunrise, He went out and departed to a solitary place. And there He prayed. Simon and those who were with Him followed Him, and when they found Him, they said to Him, “Everyone is searching for You.”

– Mark 1:33-37 MEV.

In life relationships are like drivers on a highway. Unless everyone understands what lane they’re in, there are bound to be collisions that lead to disappointment when unspoken expectations go unmet.

Jesus was constantly overwhelmed with people who wanted to get and stay close to Him. Mark 1:21–37 records the relational chaos Jesus had to deal with on what was supposed to be a day off. It was the Sabbath, and He taught in the synagogue, cast a demon out of a dude, “And at once his fame spread everywhere throughout all the surrounding region of Galilee.”

Not even taking a siesta break for chips and salsa, “immediately he left” to Simon’s house to heal his dying mother-in-law. Then “that evening at sundown they brought to him all who were sick or oppressed by demons. And the whole city was gathered together at the door.”

He had to be exhausted and worn out. Nonetheless, “he healed many who were sick with various diseases, and cast out many demons.”

How did Jesus possibly manage these kinds of complex, needy, urgent relational demands? Building on the concept of relational lanes, here’s how I see a dozen distinctions between various personal, professional, and spiritual connections after surveying the relationships of Jesus: enemies, former acquaintances, distant relatives, professionals, neighbors, acquaintances, coworkers, friends, mentors, close friends, close family, the Lord.

Jesus’ life was like your life—filled with people who drive in whatever lane they choose and seek to merge into the next lane of importance and closeness in your life. This happened to Jesus, and it happens to you and me.

Wisdom teaches us to treat different people differently. Our problem comes from our tendency to develop a relationship pattern that works for us and then apply it to everyone only to find it working some of the time and failing some of the time.